Thankfulness?

I am up at the crack of dawn, again; can't get back to sleep after an early morning bottle with the little one.  Actually, I was awake even before she was, thinking worrying about the Christmas list.  13 gifts to buy for family members, 4 neighbor gifts, and a long list of extended family members to remember.  How will I be able to afford all this???? 

You see, back in August, I quit my job as a music teacher.  The plan had been for me to continue to teach part-time after our 2nd baby was born.  We needed the money.  But, I quit anyways.  Prayerfully, and with wise counsel, we decided to take this blind leap.  We would tighten our belts even more, and I would try to pick up private lesson students.  Well, things have not gone according to plan. 

The readings the past few mornings in Jesus Is Calling by Sarah Young, have been on trusting God for outcomes and on thankfulness.  As I sit and read on Thanksgiving morning, I am not thankful.  I am stressed.  Then I read one of the verses listed at the bottom of the reading. 

Though the fig tree does not bud

and there are no grapes on the vines,

though the olive crop fails'and the fields produce no food, 

though there are no sheep in the pen

and no cattle in the stalls, 

yet will I rejoice in the Lord, 

I will be joyful in God my Savior.

Habakkuk 3: 17-18

How this verse describes our current situation!  According to Sarah Young, it is in being thankful for who God is, it is in rejoicing in my Savior that I will find joy, happiness, and peace,on my circumstances good or bad.   So, I must be thankful this Thanksgiving morning.  Thankful in my God who is my "refuge and strength, an ever present and well-proved help in trouble" Psalm 46:1 AMP

In the Darkness

So many Psalms speak of God's protection of his people.  He is a refuge, a present help, but right now, I love the idea of Him being "a shield around me." Psalm 3 goes on to say "you bestow glory on me and lift up my head," and "I lie down and sleep, I wake again, because the Lord sustains me."

 How I have needed these words.  You see, while we have been going through one of the most joyous experiences in life, the birth of a new baby, I have been in the depths of anguish and despair.  It is hard to admit that instead of feeling happiness, love and snuggly feelings, I have been feeling blue, irritable, panic and worst of all, numb.  Sitting in the dark during early morning feelings, I would shake with tears and guilt over not feeling what I thought I should be feeling towards the baby.

 Finally, I saw the Dr. and was diagnosed with postpartum depression.  I was told to see a Psychiatrist and start taking medicine.  Honestly, I was not surprised but had been on the look out for depression as I had had it after the birth of our son.  I felt horrible.  "Why do I do this?", I would ask myself, as if I had developed this condition on purpose.   Psalm 3 starts by saying "O Lord, how many are my foes!  How many rise up against me!"  When I read words like this, I think what "foes" are rising up against me?  I don't have armies knocking on my door to drag me away.  No, my foes are postpartum depression and the guilt and shame that steal my joy and keep me isolated from others.  Wouldn't it be awful if someone knew what was going on inside my head, what I am really like inside?  These are the enemies I face.  They say "'God will not deliver [her],'" and I believe it.

It was very hard to pray and read my Bible when I was in the darkness.  I was walking around in a fog of exhaustion and my brain simply was not functioning.  I would sit in the rocking chair trying to pray through the moment, and the nothingness would swallow me up.    The truth is, that while my soul felt disconnected, "the Spirit was helping my in my weakness."  Romans 8: 26 says that We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express." 

It has taken a few weeks of medication and then some more medication to finally see some light.  Actually, I feel pretty much like my old self, now, and I am glad to say that I am enjoying my children again.  God is delivering me once again, this time through a good Dr., meds,  a loving and supportive family, and some counseling.  I wanted to share my experience because I want others to know that God is Love, and He is with us, even in darkness.  He has given us a great advocate who intercedes for us, knowing exactly what we need when we do not. 

The last line of Psalm 3 says "From the Lord comes deliverance.  May your blessing be on your people."  Amen!

Tickets for Pancakes

 IHOP Pancake Knock-off recipe from Cookin' Up North

So this morning felt like a pancake morning.  That's one thing I love about homeschool and being home with my kids.  We can do pancakes on a Tuesday morning in November.  After pancakes, we will have some inspiring math, reading, geography, and literature lessons all while I feed, burp and change and meet all the needs of a newborn.

That was my supermom plan for the day.  Then, came the TANTRUM.  Caps just begin to describe what a  whopper it was at 6:45 this morning.  What was the problem you ask?  I don't remember, probably Legos.  What was my supermom solution?  Honestly, I was drawing a blank. It wasn't like it was our first first trip to this rodeo; we just had not found a good solution.  Supermom would have had a solution.  I did not.

Actually, he had really solved the problem himself by informing us that he wanted to have a "Celebration Morning."  This involves, according to him, the awesome privilege of being able to watch cartoons and play Lego Star Wars before homeschool.  That became the inspiration for the "special privilege"  ticket and we were tantrum-free for the rest of the day.  A real first around our house.

What has super mom learned?  That it is okay to not be so super.  I mean, let's be honest.  How did I make it through the TANTRUM?  I was frustrated at another morning filled with screaming.  I was making Pancakes for goodness sakes!  How could he pitch a fit when I was making his favorite breakfast?   I was angry at his ungratefulness.  I was tired from a broken night of sleep.  I was feeling all of the past 8 weeks, and I wanted to walk out the door.  

Looking back on the events of this morning, I am not sure how we made it, except to say that God must have been with us.  He is with us.  It has not felt that way lately, but He has told me He 'won't leave me or forsake me.'  And this morning, I was reminded of His grace.  Grace that inspires us to remember "Celebration Mornings" and to come up with "special privilege" tickets.  I was out of answers and running on empty.  God answered and filled me up.